by Aiden Starr
Photo by Ian Rath
I got a question recently from a male hetero top regarding how to conduct a 24/7 D/s relationship. My answer to this question has the same beginning as my answer to most questions: Do whatever works for you as long as you follow the basic rules of safety and consensuality. If you want your partner waiting for you naked, on all fours, collar on, riding crop in mouth, eyes to the floor when you arrive home from work at exactly 6pm, DO IT! If your idea of love looks more like straight seamed stockings and a jeweled butt plug, DO IT! When I say 24/7 D/s “dynamic” relationship, I’m referring to more than just the personal interplay of the parties involved. Full time play is fun and exciting! It is also ever changing and evolving. I have my ways as we all do but each sub is unique. I adjust my protocol to foster a better connection with each individual. Are you ready for a shocker? I love to connect with other tops as well! YES! D/s play can be intimate between those that co-top as well. The act of swirling around a pretty little sub with another top adds to my endorphin rush. This feeling mimics love and fosters my connection with other people. That’s really what D/s is all about for me.
To the end of fostering deeper connection with my partner(s), I construct daily activities and verbal protocol requirements based on my current situation. My life is ever changing. My needs and wants are ever changing. So therefore, my D/s dynamics are ever changing. Right now, the partner that I live with is a new player. I have chosen to break him/her (they are an androgyny) in slowly. Patience is key with any relationship. I spend a lot of time checking in with him/her. We have lots of conversations about our needs and feelings. He/She does not currently use a top title for me. Our relationship is more like a 50’s housewife situation where I’m the man. That’s what works for me. It may not be what works for you.
There are some important guidelines to be aware of when constructing a 24/7 D/s dynamic.
1. Avoid Head Games – I mean the bad kind! Yes, there is such a thing as bad head games. There is a reason why the term has a negative connotation, like the word manipulative. It’s all about intent. Passive-aggressive behavior is bad because it has an ill intent. Getting attention by being cruel is a childish trait. Eradicate those tendencies from your personality and you will be a happier human.
2. Keep a sense of humor and fun. If you get too wrapped up in your own BS you will forget that no one is required to play by your rules. This can be very bad. I don’t think I need to tell you how obnoxious it is when a “Dom” plays D/s non-consensually, especially in public. No, the waiter doesn’t want to know that your date isn’t wearing underwear. Be polite, dammit!
3. Don’t use sexual activities as actual punishment. Anal sex should never be feared. I’ve heard of tops that use forced sex as punishment for a sub in a D/s situation to correct infraction. WRONG! NO! NO! NO! In my opinion, corner time is the only appropriate punishment. It cuts off the negative feelings that have arisen as a result of failure and allows the sub quiet time to reset. Even punishment should be positive. Contemplation is a nice way for subs to come around and participate in the correction process.
Every 24/7 situation will be as unique as those individuals that compose it. I’d love to hear some of your lifestyle stories as well as any additional questions you may have! Check out the “Ask Aiden” form on this blog. I’d love to hear from you!