Question from Michael: Almost a year ago I broke up with my ex of 2.5 years. I didn’t know and she didn’t really know herself that she wanted to be spanked, hit and ‘used’. After that, she got a big interest in BDSM. And hearing that from her, I got into it myself. It’s been several months since we both had this big interest. She says that she feels like she needs this discipline all the time or she gets very depressed. We actually got together the other day, and for the first time I took charge and did some stuff we never had before. She even said herself, that it was the best-forced orgasm(s) she ever got, and other stuff on top of that. But, this is what I don’t understand. She said, she wants someone (a Dom) who would control her. Tell her what to do, etc. not only in the bed but all the time. But the biggest thing I don’t understand is that she doesn’t want this person to ‘care’ for her. She is there for their pleasure. She doesn’t like being asked if she is okay or if I’m pushing it too far. I didn’t know this until the first failed attempt where I said is everything okay, as I know I hit her too hard and she was in too much pain. But she refused to answer me as she hates being asked. What does this mean? Are d/s relationships like this? Do the couples not really care for each other to the extent that they would be like girlfriend/boyfriends? We are 20/23 years old. I want to continue doing this with her, and I can see that she would want to, too. But the fact that I still ‘care’ for her, even the slightest bit since we were in a long relationship together, is preventing this. I’m not sure how to proceed. Then again, if she doesn’t like being asked, it seems like it would be found if I just ‘took her’ and ‘punished her’.

Aiden Answers: Wow!  I’m very sorry to inform you of this but someone has to – your partner is engaging in toxic behavior and you should not participate in it. By calling the behavior toxic, I’m not implying that your partner is toxic. Engaging in non-consensual 24/7 play goes against the most important rule of BDSM, in my opinion. It is your submissive’s job to respond to your check-in.  In refusing to do that, she is not holding up to her end of the relationship. Let, me tell you, kid, I’ve tried these relationships and they never end well.  BDSM is not about abuse or pain for pain’s sake.  It’s about the loving exploration of the limits of the human body and mind. If you two are in LA, I’d love to recommend a kink-friendly therapist to help you shape your relationship into something more positive. I really recommend professional intervention here.  Suggest it to your partner in a loving way and see where it goes.