by Aiden Starr

Photo by Ian Rath

Becoming a Dominant Diva – this may be applied to all genders and sexual or asexual alignments. I am a female top, so this is from my experience.

For some people, it can be hard to decipher the proper place to start training when considering becoming a Dominant/Top. Whenever I learn a new skill set I begin with this simple adage – Raise the level of practical skill to perfection so that intuition may take over. Gain self confidence by advanced skill to become dominant. If you practice a topping skill, like impact play, to perfection, you will be able to relax and connect easier. Connection is the ultimate goal when Domming or Topping. There is no Superiority without inferiority. There is no Sadism with a masochist. We need them as much as they need us.

Start with perfecting one skill set. Impact play is a good choice for this. Flogging is simple and covers the bases of SM as well as DS and fetish. It satisfies an urge for sensation play that is associated with Sado-masochism – the endorphin kick. The proper management and subsequent endorphin kick that is achieved by the top flows nicely to connect the Dom/sub dynamic. As for fetish, the leather tails smell and feel of that dirty, naughty taboo of tanned hide. Choosing a flogger is important. Start with a soft material like lamb or deer skin. You should test it on yourself before you buy it to be sure it works for you. The handle should feel right and be easy to hold. The tails should not be too long or too short for your height. A good way to size a flogger, in my opinion, is to hold the handle in your hand and spread the tails across your arm to your shoulder. An arms length is about right to start with. Once you’ve got your toy picked out and purchased, you’ll need a pillow, not a person to practice on. A long body pillow is a good choice. First draw or imagine an inverted cross on the pillow. These lines are your hard “NO” hit areas. The represent the spine on the vertical and the kidneys and other internal organs on the horizontal. Next draw or imagine four x’s. 2 where the shoulder blades would be and 2 where the buttocks would be. These are your targets. Next stand facing perpendicular or parallel to your pillow partner (you should learn both ways.) Hold the flogger handle gently by your shoulder. Hold the tails with the opposite hand to reduce spread. Without moving your body, let your arm fall down in a smooth motion and release the tails. Be sure to hit the x’s and avoid wrapping. Wrapping causes unintended acceleration of the tails. Any unintended sadism is very disrespectful. I discourage that. My time is valuable. I would not waste it whipping someone I had no respect for. Perfect this technique before attempting the figure 8. We can cover that later.

Once you’ve got it down. You can try it on a person! Be aware of their sensory response – circulation, breathing, eye dilation. Their endorphins go up faster than yours. Start with a warm up, slowly increasing until the desired effect is achieved. Check in frequently and don’t take it to far. Taking it too far is a major faux paux. Become an amazing dominant by the expansion of your sense of empathy. What I mean here is the consideration for not only the microcosm of this moment between you and your play partner but also the macrocosm of the ripples that are created by your actions. Some tops act based on what they can get away with at the moment. This is not incorrect. It is also not entirely correct. You are responsible for the health and well being of you. Committiing atrocities that appear adolescent in nature will not garner you any respect.

The purpose of increasing intuition is to become supremely connective. Have a clear head and don’t be distracted and if you are only play with people you know really well who know your whole situation. If you find yourself at a party or in a play situation in which you don’t feel comfortable, at home or feel judged in any way – leave. Don’t waste your time playing in a space that is not conducive to your fullest enjoyment. It’s ok to get to a party or arrangement and decide you don’t want to play. Your solidarity is important. Make yourself worthy of being worshipped and you will find your inner Dominant Diva!